In my first venture at the playground game, “Capture the Flag,” I really wanted to get that flag. That’s what I was told to do. With Forest Gump-like simpleness I fixed my mind on my duty.

The line is drawn in the sand. The flag, limp and powerless, rests deep in the opposing team’s territory. I can barely see it for defenders guard it diligently.

Forty-five minutes pass and recess was over. My eight-year-old-self stood like a statue in that same spot at the line. But, never dared to cross it.

Wanting to do something and not knowing how is frustrating. It seemed an exciting prospect. The teacher told me to do it. I didn’t have agency at that age. Of course, who doesn’t want to get the flag?

But, I was having a Fletcher Christian moment. It was all too much for my unformed identity to deal with. What I imagined myself going did not sync with my technical ability to accomplish it. I lacked the “how.”

I saw myself with the flag running very fast and escaping my opponents to victory! But, imagining a thing and actually doing are not the same.

Fortunately, I know a few more things now than I did when I was 8 years old. So, I worked on my Capture the Flag strategy.

Next time a chance comes to have fun, run and frolick, test my skills and outsmart the boys (who seem to possess little to no risk aversion by comparison) – I’ll be ready!

First: boys dodging, pivoting, frolicking, and taunting will exhaust themselves with their antics. I may not rush onto the playground like a horse out of the gate at the Kentucky Derby- but I am not a horse, am I? I am not a boy, either.

So, that’s one strategy. Know your opponents’ weaknesses.

Second, without doing much at all, I can watch the boys exhaust themselves; position myself rather casually as a “girl” who is not quite like the boys. So, they ignore me essentially.

Boys taunt, run, frolick…pivot…Dive! Dash. Show off just for fun. Get tired…Run a bit more, slowly, now.

One is trying to catch his breath, hunched over for a bit of rest. Another is flailing hands in the air in frustration. He’s failing to achieve his dreams of Capture-the-Flag- glory.

Then, when one ambitious trespasser breaks past my defending teammates- I will pounce with all my potency – preserved carefully for the right moment! That’s not exactly capturing the flag. It’s not exactly a win. But, it’s not losing either.

The game is supposed to be fun. I am not sure anyone else is enjoying this game now- for it’s my determined purpose to prevent my opponents from winning. But, it’s fun for me!

I am not a horse; a tomboy at times- but I am not a boy. I am not a stereotype, a one dimensional character with no substance like a Hollywood character. And, I am not a failure.

Failing at a playground game was one instance of many instances of being put in a position to do something and not knowing how to do it. So, I failed. Over, and over and over. Those instances hurt. And, the feelings linger.

But, traversing the salty ocean of my imagination back in time…I got a second chance to relive a difficult moment of childhood.

I didn’t capture the flag. But, I discovered something maybe even more valuable- my agency, and my potential!